When you're new to leadership, no one hands you a script for those “Hey, can I give you some feedback?” moments. You wing it. You try to be honest. But sometimes, you get it wrong.
I did.
Early in my leadership journey, I gave someone unstructured, off-the-cuff feedback that completely missed the mark. It hurt the relationship, confused the team, and knocked someone’s confidence—all because I didn’t take a few moments to do it right.
Here’s what happened (and what I wish I’d done instead).
I was managing a project. Nothing huge, but it was under a tight timeline. One of my team members—we’ll call her Jess—was fantastic. Smart, fast, great instincts. But she tended to go solo on tasks and forget to loop the rest of us in. This led to duplicated work and confusion, which left me frustrated.
After a few hiccups, I blurted it out at the end of a Zoom call:
“Hey Jess, quick feedback—people don’t know what you’re working on, and it’s making things messy. You need to communicate more.”
She looked stunned. Said “Okay,” and logged off.
At the time, I felt like I was doing the right thing—being direct, addressing a problem.
But in reality, I’d just dropped a poorly timed, vague comment that left her confused and deflated.
Over the next week, Jess pulled back. She second-guessed everything, stopped offering ideas, and kept checking in before doing anything. Her confidence tanked. So did our team energy.
What I thought was leadership in action was actually a leadership blind spot.
I wasn’t helping Jess improve—I was shutting her down.
If you’re an emerging leader, feedback is one of your most powerful tools—but only when used with care and clarity. Here’s what I learned from my misstep:
I let my irritation build before saying something. That meant the feedback came out as criticism, not guidance.
Better approach: Speak early, when it’s just a pattern you’ve noticed—not a problem you’re emotionally invested in.
I tossed the feedback at the end of a call—no warning, no space to respond. It felt like a drive-by comment.
Better approach: Ask, “Hey, can we catch up later this week? I’d love to talk through something I’ve noticed.”
This gives the person a heads-up and makes the conversation feel intentional.
“Communicate more” is meaningless without context. It sounded like a personality flaw, not a fixable issue.
Better approach: “When you started that slide deck last week, Aiden was working on it too. I think a quick Slack update when you start something could help avoid overlap.”
Now it’s about a behavior, not the person—and it’s actionable.
I didn’t ask Jess what she thought was going on. Maybe she was working solo because the team’s plans weren’t clear. I assumed too much.
Better approach: “How have you been finding the team comms lately? Anything feeling unclear?”
When you ask questions, you learn—and the feedback becomes a two-way conversation.
I didn’t remind Jess how much I valued her initiative. That left her feeling like she’d let me down, not like she had a strength we could refine.
Better approach: “You take action fast, and that’s a real strength. I think a tiny tweak in how you share updates will help the whole team move even faster.”
Always end feedback with belief in the person. Growth happens best when people feel supported, not scolded.
As new leaders, we often see feedback as a task: “I need to say this.” But it’s not about getting something off your chest. It’s about creating clarity, building trust, and helping someone grow.
That takes intention. Not just honesty—but structure and empathy.
If you’re still building your leadership muscle, these five simple rules will save you from the mess I made:
Check your mood – Don’t give feedback when you’re annoyed.
Ask first – Get permission: “Can we talk about something I’ve noticed?”
Start with curiosity – Ask questions, don’t just deliver a speech.
Use examples – Make it real, not general.
End with belief – Remind them they’re valued and capable.
You’re going to get feedback wrong sometimes. That’s okay. What matters is that you reflect, adjust, and grow.
I learned this lesson the hard way so you don’t have to. Next time you feel that urge to drop a “quick bit of feedback,” take a breath. Make it a moment of connection, not correction.
You’re not just shaping someone else’s performance—you’re shaping your leadership style.
And trust me: when feedback is done right, it becomes one of your greatest strengths.